BLOGS BY BOB

Recently we noted a series of small scratches on the passenger side of my wife’s 2006 Van.  Coincidentally Billy May, the screaming and highly annoying pitchman, appeared on TV hawking the Simoniz Fix It! Pro pen.  “For $19.99 this pen,” says May, “Will magically erase small scratches on the surface of any automobile.”  May even inflicts a scratch on a car and shows how easy the Fix It! Pro resolves the problem (I’ll bet it wasn’t his car).

Normally I don’t order things from TV ads but in this case we thought perhaps we could save a few bucks and I could fix the scratches myself.  Begin the nightmare.

First upon calling the Simoniz Fix It! Pro hotline you are greeted by a recording of Billy May hollering at you in a manner that reminds one of fingernails slowly scraping a blackboard.  Then an automated voice comes on that can take the order.  I simply wanted to order the Fix It! Pro for $19.99 but this hotline doesn’t allow for that.  Before you can hang up and finalize your order they offer you everything Simoniz has ever made and you never, ever talk to a human being.  The voice recognition software they use does all the work all you have to say is, “Yes,” or, “No.”  Right!  I denied all offers, all I wanted was the Fix It! Pro pens.  I hung up and forgot about it.

Several days later I received a box from Billy May and the Simoniz people.  It contained six (6) Fix It! Pro pens (I only ordered one) three (3) Turbo Vac car vacuum cleaners (I ordered none) two (2) polishing cloths (I ordered none) 3 containers of metal polish (I ordered none) and three books of Simoniz Rebate coupons all for the price of about $135.00.  Wait!  I only wanted to spend $19.99. 

Reigning in my rage, I called the Simoniz people and quietly told them I had received a bunch of stuff (it’s hard to be articulate when you are steamed) I didn’t order and sought to return all of it but one Fix It! Pro pen.  The lady (a real person this time) said I could keep the three vacuum cleaners because they were free except for postage and handling which was $9.95 per vacuum but they could not refund the postage and handling.  “Matter of fact,” she said, “We can’t refund the postage and handling on any of it but you can keep the vacuum cleaners, the pen and I will credit your account for $30.00.  Please,”  she said, “Return the other items ASAP.”  Let’s see, I wanted to spend $19.99 but somehow it cost me $105.00.  I attempted to argue but was stonewalled by the humorless person on the other end of line. Bottom line, I’m out 105 bucks.  They have not, however, heard the end of this. 

I don’t know if others of you have had the same experience but I’d sure like to hear from you.  As far as I’m concerned I will never buy another Simoniz product again.  The only saving grace in all of this is that I can blog about it.  Billy May you are a huckster and you work for a scam company!

Please comment here or by email bob@baronson.org.  Also, please read and comment on my Organ Donation and Transplantation blogs on

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