When I owned my communications consulting business, The Aronson Partnership, Inc, our slogan was, “If Communication is not Your Top Priority, all Other Priorities are at Risk!” I believe that with all my heart and I never had a client who didn’t buy into the idea.
One of the great failings of our educational system is that they teach the language, the parts of the language, how to pronounce words and how to string them together into a sentence. In other words our schools teach people how to talk and write and even then students only learn enough to get by. Not only do students not learn very well, they don’t think they have to because they know that when they open their mouths a bunch of words will fall out and they will have made their point. WRONG!!!!
What we fail to teach is communication and I believe that is what lies at the heart of most of our problems. Most people are so busy trying to be heard that they don’t listen, those who listen do so selectively and without concentration. For example, when someone else is talking, what are you doing? Chances are you are trying to think of how you are going to respond, therefore you are not listening. Even if you do listen are you listening objectively or listening for points to either agree or disagree with?
The problem in most communication exchanges is that they are all open to interpretation. As we listen we are thinking, “He thinks that I….” so there is a huge difference between what is being said and what is being inferred. Because we are human we will never be able to communicate without problems no matter how hard we try. The problem we have now is that people think, “I talk, therefore I communicate.” and that’s true except that what you are talking about and what you are communicating may be two different things.
How many people ever enter an argument with this mindset, “I really want to hear what she has to say, I could probably learn a thing or two.” More likely we tend to enter an argument by thinking, “Damnit, I’m going to be heard and I don’t care what she thinks. I’m tired of listening to her.” Fact is…he probably never really listened to her. He heard her but he didn’t listen. Chances are she’s as guilty as he is because both of them just want to be heard but neither enters the exchange with a willingness to listen.
What needs to be taught, then, in our schools is how to more precisely choose words so that the margin for potential error is significantly reduced. My bottom line is this, when what is inferred is the same as what was implied, then we will better understand each other and….and…maybe live in peace.
